Irony.

I didn’t use to have a lot of confidence, not really high-esteemed. A lot of what I think or others think I have now, was not something that was evident to me. In fact, I thought I was the total opposite. 
For a start, I never knew I could write enough to save my life.

There were a lot of people I used to care about. Far too many. Too many not because they don’t deserve it, but because I spread myself too thin trying to please everyone. I believe to everyone I meet on every touchpoint, I was sincere and open. But how could I possibly be able to maintain so many precious friendships? I lost contact with some of them. 

At times, I really really miss them very very very much. 

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Old.

Memories are cages

Trapping our souls,

Holding on to our ages

And the people old and bold.

Those that survive,

We’ll be laughing ’til there are tears;

Those that didn’t,

They’ll be part of a past so queer.

A Mind Like Mine.

I like your ambitions,

I like that you’re kind.

Don’t have to always hold yourself to standards

Epic sky high.

There are much more to appreciate,

Than just the climb.

At the end of the day,

I’m here to accept and hear you just as fine.

I wouldn’t leave,

Just because you don’t have time.

I wouldn’t leave,

When you ain’t got a dime.

I need a lot of honesty,

I hope you don’t mind.

I hope you like loyalty,

Because you’ll have mine.

Inversion.

Sensitive to nuances,

He knows the real me.

Couldn’t put up with my performances.

Battle of the wits,

We agree to disagree,

Together we make two wholly misfits.

Image.

Through my entire life, I feel like an epitome of a confusing mix of preferences from opposite ends of the spectrum. In which I would plainly explain myself as a pragmatic being trapped in overtly crazy outer shell. I feel extremely energetic with people, or even making new friends and also feel incredibly comfortable with myself.

I would categorize this as an “on-the-fence” personality, whatever person or tests or quiz or analysis always puts me right in the middle of a chart. It was difficult back then when I was at the age of finding my identity.

The most amazing thing and also the strange thing is, I braved insults and judgements on my personality from people of all walks, and each time it made me even more determined to be me. And now, I’ve grown to be at ease with it. The kind of ease my younger would’ve never been able to imagine.

I also had all sorts of friends, neighborhood punks to ace scholars, or even neighborhood punks which turned to ace scholars. I became seemingly aware of what others say of who I was or what I’m like, not because I wanted to improve on my personality, but because I realized there was a major discrepancy with the perception of me and who I truly am. Every single judgement were so way-off. Then, it became a conscious decision to dedicate time to understand myself, my image and how to portray myself better.

But I guess the hardest part to accept here is that there never was one person who knew me through and through. It was hard to relate deeply to another being.

From passion vs paycheck, lust vs love, arts vs business, etc.
I will not choose either.

Thus, I’m an idealist. I will choose the option that appeases both.

And fortunately/unfortunately, nothing falls quite in between.

Incarcerate.

A physical reaction to attempts of caging, cornering or pressurizing. An adverse effect to intrusion of privacy, as well as freedom of physical & mental personal spaces. I always gave a lot of freedom, because that is what I crave. And of course with freedom, people couldn’t understand how to build trust. Trust is about values, trust is also about morals. I believe in giving freedom as long as moral compasses and values of people are aligned. Therefore, these ring true to all my relationships, both romantic and platonic.

Sat in a cafe with a friend on a typical erratic weather Sunday. Got bitten by hungry mosquitoes and moved indoors. My mind was being picked at, people wondered about me, my life and my decisions. I loved and admired that curiosity and genuine interest, at the same time because intentions weren’t blatant, it was suffocating. It was suppose to be mindless and casual, but indirect intentions started suffocating my need for liberty. Was my idealistic self at work again? I wondered why people would be more interested in my activities yesterday or tomorrow, instead of who I am today and experience me being present then and there. That’s what I truly feel happy about, when someone makes himself (herself) available to be present for me. That’s how I feel I’m important.

It started to become noisier. People were shouting over background gibberish. The cafe was full. My head started spinning as neon lights started flashing. I felt f*cking claustrophobic.

Indifferent.

Some friendships were meant to be long dead. But sometimes we still try to keep them alive, because we believed in what brought them and us together. Despite the efforts though, it may die again since we can tend to let others decide the friendship we should keep.

Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary for friends to be meeting up daily or every two days, but they should always be kept close to our hearts.

People have different priorities and responsibilities, and that may significantly reduce the time spent together. We may meet them only once every 3 months but they’re old friends who’re as good as new.

People have different opinions and friendships come and go. Ultimately what we need to believe in, is the heart of the person whom you befriended in the first place.

Inferno.

“Those who had left during the hard times, the struggles and desperation, they’ll see the smile of the one who’d risen from the debris, without a trace of suffering.” – G

The only constant is change. And I believe the way to survival is adaptability and flexibility. People come and go in my life and somehow I feel there’s little people who can fully grasp me, because I will change. I believe the inability to change will cause one to be vulnerable. And it will hurt, drastically.

It’s okay that you’ll dislike me. Because I was never born to please you. It’s okay that you talk shit just for the sake of making small talk to others. It’s really okay. But some day, one day, I’ll be bigger and better than people who just wanna be mean for the sake of being mean.

I’m not gonna be fake to you. I feel no need to. Neither do I have to be completely honest. I’m not lying to you. But I’m just not obliged to tell you every little detail of my life. I have stronger expectations in regards to principles of my own than anyone else. I would do my best to ensure I make the best decisions. I believe in live and let live, and I practice what I’d preached.

Respect ourselves, and learn to respect each and every other being. Be humble, be sincere. Live comfortably, not extravagantly. Love honestly, not desperately.

I will not hate anybody for leaving me in a lurch. But I’m telling you, you’re not gonna bring me down.

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