Tag: me

Intoxicate.

After twenty odd years of my life,
I finally had one day,
I was so high,
I went to order Mcdonald’s,
Alone for supper.

What’s the big deal right?!

I haven’t ate Mcdonald’s in years.
(In fact, I don’t even remember when I last had it.)

Strangely, with the number of friends I have who love drinking, I never had a time which I drank until I was seriously was decently high and happy. I never did enjoy it fully, since I associate drinking with drama, boomer’s bile, immature boys, missing friends and remembering everything that everyone else forgotten. I have always been pretty hard on myself, telling myself to never get drunk, conduct myself well etc. I’m always super hard on myself, telling myself to never get drunk, conduct myself well etc.

I think I had an amazing breakthrough.

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Image.

Through my entire life, I feel like an epitome of a confusing mix of preferences from opposite ends of the spectrum. In which I would plainly explain myself as a pragmatic being trapped in overtly crazy outer shell. I feel extremely energetic with people, or even making new friends and also feel incredibly comfortable with myself.

I would categorize this as an “on-the-fence” personality, whatever person or tests or quiz or analysis always puts me right in the middle of a chart. It was difficult back then when I was at the age of finding my identity.

The most amazing thing and also the strange thing is, I braved insults and judgements on my personality from people of all walks, and each time it made me even more determined to be me. And now, I’ve grown to be at ease with it. The kind of ease my younger would’ve never been able to imagine.

I also had all sorts of friends, neighborhood punks to ace scholars, or even neighborhood punks which turned to ace scholars. I became seemingly aware of what others say of who I was or what I’m like, not because I wanted to improve on my personality, but because I realized there was a major discrepancy with the perception of me and who I truly am. Every single judgement were so way-off. Then, it became a conscious decision to dedicate time to understand myself, my image and how to portray myself better.

But I guess the hardest part to accept here is that there never was one person who knew me through and through. It was hard to relate deeply to another being.

From passion vs paycheck, lust vs love, arts vs business, etc.
I will not choose either.

Thus, I’m an idealist. I will choose the option that appeases both.

And fortunately/unfortunately, nothing falls quite in between.

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Impassioned.

I don’t understand how someone could express my thoughts half a century earlier and double a dozen times clearer.

I frequently mentioned that if I had a choice, I would choose to be born a boy. However I wasn’t given that choice and I always believed in taking things in stride. I’ve appreciated what I’ve been given and never considered being anything less than a woman, except, I believe in female strength and equality. As kids, we were all told to have our own big dreams and creating our special impact in this world we co-exist in. Somewhere though, I believe things went a little awry and people conform to stereotypes, stereotypes of race, gender. People were told where they belong and how to be themselves.

Standing at 5 foot 2, I came from a protective Asian family with siblings one to two decades older and my parents, almost 3 times older. The following quote sits especially well with me.

“Yes, my consuming desire is to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, barroom regulars—to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording—all this is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always supposedly in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yes, God, I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night…“

– Sylvia Plath

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Inhibited.

You and your idealistic self will bring the death of all kinds of relationship. I could tell it has been hard holding yourself to emotional and moral standards, only the mirror could fathom.

You’re all grown up. It’s safe now, to let your emotions be seen. You’ve been through enough to know where it’s safe not to be reigned. You finally know who would stick through the weird and lovely sides of you. And even so no matter what happens, you have you. You, that believe in what you always have. I know you know how powerful your own feelings could be, you’ve seen and felt them when it was premature. It’s time to face them head on yet again, with newfound wisdom and maturity honed over the years.

I trust that you can be safe now, to feel depth and soulfulness. And I wish you love and luck, garnering all the good fortune and karma accumulate, to find that one meaningful kindred spirit.

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Incarcerate.

A physical reaction to attempts of caging, cornering or pressurizing. An adverse effect to intrusion of privacy, as well as freedom of physical & mental personal spaces. I always gave a lot of freedom, because that is what I crave. And of course with freedom, people couldn’t understand how to build trust. Trust is about values, trust is also about morals. I believe in giving freedom as long as moral compasses and values of people are aligned. Therefore, these ring true to all my relationships, both romantic and platonic.

Sat in a cafe with a friend on a typical erratic weather Sunday. Got bitten by hungry mosquitoes and moved indoors. My mind was being picked at, people wondered about me, my life and my decisions. I loved and admired that curiosity and genuine interest, at the same time because intentions weren’t blatant, it was suffocating. It was suppose to be mindless and casual, but indirect intentions started suffocating my need for liberty. Was my idealistic self at work again? I wondered why people would be more interested in my activities yesterday or tomorrow, instead of who I am today and experience me being present then and there. That’s what I truly feel happy about, when someone makes himself (herself) available to be present for me. That’s how I feel I’m important.

It started to become noisier. People were shouting over background gibberish. The cafe was full. My head started spinning as neon lights started flashing. I felt f*cking claustrophobic.

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Indulgence.

I remember this sun. This is the happy sun. Feeling how it burns on my skin, it reminded me of happy times. Happy times when I was in Korea traveling on my own and taking photos with newly acquainted strangers. It was the same sun when I exited the fruit farm in Shanghai. It was the same sun when we set out with the yacht at Punggol Marina. The same sun I woke up to, to fall asleep on the bench of a neighborhood swimming pool. And all of these were times when I was present and indulging in that moment, of how beautiful the world, of how beautiful it is, to just live.

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Define KillGwen.

Qn: Why “KillGwen” and what is “KillGwen”? Why are you so morbid?

Ans: What better way to understand and appreciate living, than to first embrace the reality that death eventually comes?

My real name is Lim Zhen Wen. Others call me by the name of Gwen. KillGwen started as a gaming nickname, I go by 3 gaming names, Gwen, Geniale and KillGwen. I created a character on a FPS game in 2007 called ‘Gwen’, but my stats sucked real bad. I needed a new nick that taunts – “KillGwen”.

Meanwhile I was studying to be a designer and was branding and also ‘concepts that are 360’. ‘Concepts that are 360’ means you could apply an over-arching marketing message to communicate about yourself or a brand. Thereafter, social media was uprising. I was one who was non-conforming yet liberal. I loved social media. I conceptualized my social media accounts on this theme – “Before Gwen was Killed”.

Though morbid as it sounds, it wasn’t intended to be that way. And no, I’m not suicidal. Let me explain. “KillGwen” actually means I will NEVER commit suicide, and if one day I were to die, someone actually killed me. When that day comes, what will be left behind will be my social media accounts – my memories translated to writings and images, of things that I thought were beautiful at right there and then.

I keep my social network profiles mostly public, I live to hope to have little to hide when I die. I appreciate little gestures and beauty of nature. I find many things inspiring and intriguing, so I share a lot, think a lot and feel a lot.

KillGwen is now also used for my WordPress, and I got the domain to mask over the WordPress URL.

3

Indifferent.

Some friendships were meant to be long dead. But sometimes we still try to keep them alive, because we believed in what brought them and us together. Despite the efforts though, it may die again since we can tend to let others decide the friendship we should keep.

Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary for friends to be meeting up daily or every two days, but they should always be kept close to our hearts.

People have different priorities and responsibilities, and that may significantly reduce the time spent together. We may meet them only once every 3 months but they’re old friends who’re as good as new.

People have different opinions and friendships come and go. Ultimately what we need to believe in, is the heart of the person whom you befriended in the first place.

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Infinite.

We live. For an unknown reason, for an unknown force. Nobody told us how we first existed. We’re plagued with numerous unknown myths on our existence and we try all our lives to find out the meaning of life. We didn’t choose to be born and most of the time we didn’t choose to die.

When I was younger, I frequently have this recurring thought that I was going to die in a car crash in the future. It’s a weird feeling because when I see a car crash or an after-crash, no matter it’s a serious case or that nobody was injured, I get this metallic taste in my mouth and I feel myself engulf in fear.

Fear is what many humans are motivated by. You could say they are dampened by fear, but usually because of fear they fight for something. The fear of being alone, the fear of having no money, etc. Humans are born insecure. Humans, sadly, are born with the tendency to compare. No matter how hard you suppress it, it’s there. It’s just a matter of whether its mild or serious. I don’t really understand this aspect of myself though. I don’t feel that my tendency to compare is strong, however I want to excel. I want to be excellent, I want to be perfect. The thing I fear, is that one day I let myself down.

But, the excellence I strive for is my perception of excellence. I want to be perfect, the way I see perfect. I want to be an independent soul and I believe in honesty, I believe in feelings and love. I believe there’s someone made for everybody. I will wait and if he doesn’t come, I’ll live alone till fate forces a decision with me. Till he comes, I’ll give up love, give up many other important things that matter to me, painfully but surely, to bring myself closer to that excellence I’m looking for. Yes, you may say I’ll probably regret it. But achieving my dreams is the excellence I’m looking for. I’ve allowed myself to neglect my own needs in the past. I’ve allowed myself to stray from my meaning of life. But then one of the other things I believe in is also not to force something or someone into our lives. So, I’m pretty much of an irony, just like how all humans are. Just spend 2 minutes to think about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning hard or unfeeling or letting things allow my kindness and love to diminish. It’s just a phase where we all need to fight for what we want. I’m a lover, and a lover is also a fighter. All exceptional fighters have a passion to fight for. Be it for someone, or for a belief.

There were many things I used to fight for. Just like how most of you do. But one day, you’ll realise, at the end of the day. The most important thing to fight for is yourself. Love yourself. And by loving yourself, those who love you will be happy for you. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about finding your own meaning of life. You define your own life and no one will be able to take it for you. It makes us stronger, and if we do it well, it makes us undefeatable. When we love ourselves adequately, we will learn how to love others too. How do you love others when you can’t even take care of yourself? Think about it.

I’m frequently reminded ‘first impression counts’. I never believed in first impressions. They are important because others thought they reflect someone accurately. I notice first impressions but I wouldn’t trust it fully. To me, all it does is that it gives insights to what that person could be, not a must be. Contrary to the uber-friendly self most people see me as, I’m one who would probably end up in the loneliest path. Because I believe in always having adequate freedom, a comfortable amount of space for thought. Sometimes I may end up talking silently to myself when there’s no one to listen. But I’m sure I’m not the only one. I can eat alone, shop alone and in fact sometimes, I do feel really alone. This is the sacrifice I have to make, to feel fulfilled, and to look the happiest to others. I probably don’t need a soulmate. It’s scary to have someone who knows you far too well. Perhaps that’s why no one has. I’m not sure if I’m gonna change one day, but I’m not forcing it to change or not to change, I’m just gonna learn and progress.

Initially, actually wanted to name this post with the title “Perfection”, but I felt it was imperfect. I’m caught in an irony of possibilities of impossibles. There’s no end to change, there’s never a definite. Why? Because being perfect is deemed imperfect and being imperfect could be what exactly is perfect. Arguments became obsolete and the number of perceptions there could be is infinite.

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Inferno.

“Those who had left during the hard times, the struggles and desperation, they’ll see the smile of the one who’d risen from the debris, without a trace of suffering.” – G

The only constant is change. And I believe the way to survival is adaptability and flexibility. People come and go in my life and somehow I feel there’s little people who can fully grasp me, because I will change. I believe the inability to change will cause one to be vulnerable. And it will hurt, drastically.

It’s okay that you’ll dislike me. Because I was never born to please you. It’s okay that you talk shit just for the sake of making small talk to others. It’s really okay. But some day, one day, I’ll be bigger and better than people who just wanna be mean for the sake of being mean.

I’m not gonna be fake to you. I feel no need to. Neither do I have to be completely honest. I’m not lying to you. But I’m just not obliged to tell you every little detail of my life. I have stronger expectations in regards to principles of my own than anyone else. I would do my best to ensure I make the best decisions. I believe in live and let live, and I practice what I’d preached.

Respect ourselves, and learn to respect each and every other being. Be humble, be sincere. Live comfortably, not extravagantly. Love honestly, not desperately.

I will not hate anybody for leaving me in a lurch. But I’m telling you, you’re not gonna bring me down.

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