Tired.

‪Ever wanted to leave everything down, buy a one way ticket, run to a place where nobody knows you and survive for the rest of your life?‬

At this moment, I think I need that.

Went on a short trip to realign and rejuvenate but it turned out pretty exhausting as well. 

i . need . rest .

And rest assured (yup, pun intended), I’m tired, not forlorn. But yes, I’m aware I sound pretty much so in writings. 😂

Casual Intensity.

I like you because 

You are actually really sweet

I love it

Your appeal is unique 

And it’s as if 

You’re customised for my eyes.

I’m so infatuated

It drives me crazy 

To not hear from you

It drives me crazy 

I’m playing up this beautiful you

For myself to see daily.

I miss you without actually spending time together frequently 

I miss you  

And your unwavering passions

Your rare but sincere bright smiles

Your slightly nervous energy

Whenever you’re around new people

New experiences

Positive but critical,

I can imagine you nagging away.

Casual yet deep,

It always makes me wanna hold your hand.

It scares me because you might slip away.

I’m patient but I’m afraid I’ll never have the chance to know us better.

I’m worried you’ll never have the time to know me.

Because I’m falling harder just by thinking of you each day.

There’s no other cure except you.

I miss my idea of the perfect you.

Is that really you?

Month.

‪Pardon April’s foolishness.

‪May life be of less folly,

And far from jejune.‬

Intermit.

Day 60

Can’t believe It’s been two months since I stopped smoking completely. A little longer than how long I’ve learnt Korean for. 깜사함니다 to all my loved ones who supported me (especially smoker friends who try not to smoke around me) I’m always determined to achieve objectives that I set, but I never thought I would have done so with so little consciousness. It’s like somehow something just clicked at the back of my head and made it happen even though it was a painful initial phase.

I feel a lot better.

No more nonsense quit zits. My vocals became less stiff and I don’t feel out of breath as quickly when I sing and run now, which makes me feel so much fitter and happier. My diets are regular now, hardly have any snacks and pretty sensitive to the smell of cigarette smoke.

Sometimes certain words that people say and circumstances combined together can create tremendous impact in another persons life. Thank you for inspiring me and leaving me a lovely memory.

Alcoholism.

I’m actually really riled up now on the topic above. I’m not really vetting this post, seriously I just need to get my thoughts out so please pardon me, my language, and any disorganization in thoughts.

Let me go to the heart of what it is first. I’m an advocate that people needs to learn how to cope with our emotions and thoughts, and we need to rationalize to a certain degree in order to understand ourselves. The journey to understand ourselves, as well as other human being is endless, thus we should always keep mindful of our actions. I’m not freaking perfect, but I try. By trying means,  to want to get out of undesirable situations if it’s not good for our physical and mental well-being. I am to date, still learning which is why difficult as hell it was, I quit smoking. That’s not the only thing I tried, but I guess that isn’t the focus for this post.

So today I was concern over a friend’s emotional state, thus have passed on information to his friends to be there to speak to him. I raise concerns over his disorientation with reality and he is slightly delusional. It’s not an insult I’m trying to make but an actual problem that I’ve observed. Knowing this friend for so long, I was seriously quite taken aback to know how he took imagination as facts as lived by it. (Not including the fact that I thought back about things he said about his life for the past 10 years and wonder if any of them were illusions too).

I understand that my friends aren’t showy emotionally all the time. And when problems arises they tend to oppress it. I mean everyone has a limit to hide their emotions, one day it comes back, in a different form. It never really goes away. Thus, we need to deal with it head on, and not let it manifest into something bigger or more evil. Even the cheeriest and most successful people might face this, but unhappiness is seriously something that everyone faces.

So I brought about the point that my friend starting drinking again, every day, every 2 days they are drinking.

I have nothing against drinking. But my case here is this – using alcohol by a mean of permanent disablement to emotions or rather to permanently cope with emotions is not okay.

I knew my friends way before, just that we talked more in the past 10 years. We wouldn’t say we’re all super close. They drink almost every day or every 2 days whenever they are single. They drink a lot more when they get out of relationship. Sometimes masked as a reason to celebrate, but actually mostly to numb that emotion. I’m really worried because it means, they never actually learn to acknowledge, understand or cope with what they feel.

I spoke to 3 people now, and they all tell me that “this is a guy’s thing”, “it’s okay what”, “just drink lor”, “sad then come out drink”. No guys, it’s not okay. Empowering them to numb their emotions via alcohol is not okay. Somebody needs to tell them that, it’s okay to feel this way, you can have some alcohol but it should not be your only method to deal with emotions that are foreign to you, or any type of pain. Yes one week, sometimes 1 month, or a period of few months on some days, I get it.

But drinking for months every day or every year, and then showing you never actually grew out of a broken relationship, or the emotions and putting on a facade or rationalism is not going to help you in the long run. We live to feel and we learn how to get out. That’s the damn drive we should have. Besides the fact that it harms you physically and financially (you gotta be doing financially okay , even if you’re drinking cheap alcohol everyday), it also harms our mental health and impairs our judgement.

I dislike that mental health is neglected by many, and that we do not seek active methods to take care of it. It’s even more apparent in males. I mean seriously, so what if you earn a bloody paycheck but your heart is dead inside. Have you really lived, dude?

Ever wondered why the more emotionally oppressed societies have higher suicide levels? Societies that put more pressure on public actions and emotional outbursts, or societies in which drinking is a culture has higher suicide rates?

Uhhuh.

It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be not okay sometimes.

Ultimately, my friends can do whatever they wanna do. We need to express more, and I’m working on that myself too. I’m not going to preach or impose on them, and neither is anyone going to be able to do that to me. But I will share my concerns.

Honestly I worry. I worry about myself. I worry about losing my ability to feel. I worry about getting hurt too much I choose this same path too. I worry about the society being a bunch of lunatics one day because they forgot how to deal with emotions. Once we forget how to deal with it, we make poor choices, we become a clam. We shut off, we manifest disorders. Some people consider suicide. And, suicide figures are apparently more significant in alcoholics. It’s pretty correlated, check this out “Alcohol is involved over a quarter of all suicides in the US (approximately 7500 per year). Suicide is 120 times more prevalent among adult alcoholics than in the general population. Alcohol abusers have higher rates of both attempted and completed suicide than non-abusers.

But stop telling me I’m worrying too much. This is a stand that grounded me. Alcoholism – which I would refine my stand as an OVER-RELIANCE to alcohol – is not freaking okay. And if you hate this aspect about yourself, trust me, you are more than capable to change. I’m putting my thoughts out here, hopefully the people who have this stand too wouldn’t feel as alone as I am with some of my alcoholic friends.

Intended.

Any form of writing is an expression.

Just like how painting,

Singing,

Drawing,

Acting

Are also forms of expression.

Each form of expressions requires the performer to be put into the mind or emotion in order to ideally showcase it.

And that meant the performer itself will try their best to show an emotion as real as possible, as its intention is to be relatable. And in most times that doesn’t mean it’s actually true to what’s happening to their real life. Some of them spend time to ‘learn’ what it actually feels like. Honestly, even if someone do experience a degree of that thought or emotion, I don’t think it’s fair to take something out of intended context.

Would you go to Leonardo DiCaprio and ask how was his affair with Daisy? 

Can Oasis tell who Sally is and why she can wait? 

And some of these can be valuable memories or a hidden emotion of the composer. So even if there’s a Sally, I don’t think he wants to tell you. Maybe we should just appreciate that these artists/artistes are sharing a part of them or their minds with us. Not be making irrelevant personal assumptions to it, when you do not even know that person well. 

It’s ridiculous sometimes, the things art creators have to go through.

Inevident.

There was something I used to not get – how could someone ever be gross and wise at the same time?

Then I realise the reasons have something in common,

They both read that the person walked a path that we wouldn’t and didn’t.

Inveigle.

Has anyone made your heart warm and fluttery, just by you day-dreamin’ up his/her presence?

I guess that’s the same someone that makes you desperately dig up the ground beneath you for courage when you see him/her right in front of you. Someone that makes you unable to hide your smile, the one customized for him/her only. Someone who makes you eat your words before they’re spoken, when your eyes meet. Someone that makes you shy, soft and mushy inside, when he/she flashes a smile it shone through your heart. The dark corners lit up, chasing out the little zombies who stay inside.

But after awhile it gets lonely again. You wished the zombies never left so you could be their friend. A zombie never neglects, unlike that someone. But a zombie never feels or remembers, unlike that someone.

A Poet’s Words

Each word means more
than what it seems,

The one writing
feel it gleams,

You, the one reading
and what you’re getting,

Multiply it,
and it’s what we’re feeling.

Writing Rhymes

The poet’s words, are a fragment of his soul
Embodiment of emotions, that were left untold.
So upon his words, if your eyes scroll
A lot about him, you can explore.

A poet plays with his rhymes
He weaves words in a way, that’s divine.
His words, his thoughts, glitter & shine
Through his creativity, he hopes to spread smiles.

As he constructs, his fantasy world
Reality to him, sometimes gets blurred.
His words, he creatively twists & turns
Various emotions, through his words, he churns.

With his words, some readers might relate
His words, some readers might find great.
His words, may fall prey, to readers’ hate
Nonetheless, creating rhymes, the creative fool celebrates.

For his words, aren’t governed by laws
His words, don’t seek decorated applause.
His words, just aim to exhibit emotions as art
His words, just seek a place in readers’ hearts.

Note: For a poet…

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