Image.

Through my entire life, I feel like an epitome of a confusing mix of preferences from opposite ends of the spectrum. In which I would plainly explain myself as a pragmatic being trapped in overtly crazy outer shell. I feel extremely energetic with people, or even making new friends and also feel incredibly comfortable with myself.

I would categorize this as an “on-the-fence” personality, whatever person or tests or quiz or analysis always puts me right in the middle of a chart. It was difficult back then when I was at the age of finding my identity.

The most amazing thing and also the strange thing is, I braved insults and judgements on my personality from people of all walks, and each time it made me even more determined to be me. And now, I’ve grown to be at ease with it. The kind of ease my younger would’ve never been able to imagine.

I also had all sorts of friends, neighborhood punks to ace scholars, or even neighborhood punks which turned to ace scholars. I became seemingly aware of what others say of who I was or what I’m like, not because I wanted to improve on my personality, but because I realized there was a major discrepancy with the perception of me and who I truly am. Every single judgement were so way-off. Then, it became a conscious decision to dedicate time to understand myself, my image and how to portray myself better.

But I guess the hardest part to accept here is that there never was one person who knew me through and through. It was hard to relate deeply to another being.

From passion vs paycheck, lust vs love, arts vs business, etc.
I will not choose either.

Thus, I’m an idealist. I will choose the option that appeases both.

And fortunately/unfortunately, nothing falls quite in between.

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Incarcerate.

A physical reaction to attempts of caging, cornering or pressurizing. An adverse effect to intrusion of privacy, as well as freedom of physical & mental personal spaces. I always gave a lot of freedom, because that is what I crave. And of course with freedom, people couldn’t understand how to build trust. Trust is about values, trust is also about morals. I believe in giving freedom as long as moral compasses and values of people are aligned. Therefore, these ring true to all my relationships, both romantic and platonic.

Sat in a cafe with a friend on a typical erratic weather Sunday. Got bitten by hungry mosquitoes and moved indoors. My mind was being picked at, people wondered about me, my life and my decisions. I loved and admired that curiosity and genuine interest, at the same time because intentions weren’t blatant, it was suffocating. It was suppose to be mindless and casual, but indirect intentions started suffocating my need for liberty. Was my idealistic self at work again? I wondered why people would be more interested in my activities yesterday or tomorrow, instead of who I am today and experience me being present then and there. That’s what I truly feel happy about, when someone makes himself (herself) available to be present for me. That’s how I feel I’m important.

It started to become noisier. People were shouting over background gibberish. The cafe was full. My head started spinning as neon lights started flashing. I felt f*cking claustrophobic.

Indulgence.

I remember this sun. This is the happy sun. Feeling how it burns on my skin, it reminded me of happy times. Happy times when I was in Korea traveling on my own and taking photos with newly acquainted strangers. It was the same sun when I exited the fruit farm in Shanghai. It was the same sun when we set out with the yacht at Punggol Marina. The same sun I woke up to, to fall asleep on the bench of a neighborhood swimming pool. And all of these were times when I was present and indulging in that moment, of how beautiful the world, of how beautiful it is, to just live.

Indifferent.

Some friendships were meant to be long dead. But sometimes we still try to keep them alive, because we believed in what brought them and us together. Despite the efforts though, it may die again since we can tend to let others decide the friendship we should keep.

Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary for friends to be meeting up daily or every two days, but they should always be kept close to our hearts.

People have different priorities and responsibilities, and that may significantly reduce the time spent together. We may meet them only once every 3 months but they’re old friends who’re as good as new.

People have different opinions and friendships come and go. Ultimately what we need to believe in, is the heart of the person whom you befriended in the first place.

Infinite.

We live. For an unknown reason, for an unknown force. Nobody told us how we first existed. We’re plagued with numerous unknown myths on our existence and we try all our lives to find out the meaning of life. We didn’t choose to be born and most of the time we didn’t choose to die.

When I was younger, I frequently have this recurring thought that I was going to die in a car crash in the future. It’s a weird feeling because when I see a car crash or an after-crash, no matter it’s a serious case or that nobody was injured, I get this metallic taste in my mouth and I feel myself engulf in fear.

Fear is what many humans are motivated by. You could say they are dampened by fear, but usually because of fear they fight for something. The fear of being alone, the fear of having no money, etc. Humans are born insecure. Humans, sadly, are born with the tendency to compare. No matter how hard you suppress it, it’s there. It’s just a matter of whether its mild or serious. I don’t really understand this aspect of myself though. I don’t feel that my tendency to compare is strong, however I want to excel. I want to be excellent, I want to be perfect. The thing I fear, is that one day I let myself down.

But, the excellence I strive for is my perception of excellence. I want to be perfect, the way I see perfect. I want to be an independent soul and I believe in honesty, I believe in feelings and love. I believe there’s someone made for everybody. I will wait and if he doesn’t come, I’ll live alone till fate forces a decision with me. Till he comes, I’ll give up love, give up many other important things that matter to me, painfully but surely, to bring myself closer to that excellence I’m looking for. Yes, you may say I’ll probably regret it. But achieving my dreams is the excellence I’m looking for. I’ve allowed myself to neglect my own needs in the past. I’ve allowed myself to stray from my meaning of life. But then one of the other things I believe in is also not to force something or someone into our lives. So, I’m pretty much of an irony, just like how all humans are. Just spend 2 minutes to think about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning hard or unfeeling or letting things allow my kindness and love to diminish. It’s just a phase where we all need to fight for what we want. I’m a lover, and a lover is also a fighter. All exceptional fighters have a passion to fight for. Be it for someone, or for a belief.

There were many things I used to fight for. Just like how most of you do. But one day, you’ll realise, at the end of the day. The most important thing to fight for is yourself. Love yourself. And by loving yourself, those who love you will be happy for you. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about finding your own meaning of life. You define your own life and no one will be able to take it for you. It makes us stronger, and if we do it well, it makes us undefeatable. When we love ourselves adequately, we will learn how to love others too. How do you love others when you can’t even take care of yourself? Think about it.

I’m frequently reminded ‘first impression counts’. I never believed in first impressions. They are important because others thought they reflect someone accurately. I notice first impressions but I wouldn’t trust it fully. To me, all it does is that it gives insights to what that person could be, not a must be. Contrary to the uber-friendly self most people see me as, I’m one who would probably end up in the loneliest path. Because I believe in always having adequate freedom, a comfortable amount of space for thought. Sometimes I may end up talking silently to myself when there’s no one to listen. But I’m sure I’m not the only one. I can eat alone, shop alone and in fact sometimes, I do feel really alone. This is the sacrifice I have to make, to feel fulfilled, and to look the happiest to others. I probably don’t need a soulmate. It’s scary to have someone who knows you far too well. Perhaps that’s why no one has. I’m not sure if I’m gonna change one day, but I’m not forcing it to change or not to change, I’m just gonna learn and progress.

Initially, actually wanted to name this post with the title “Perfection”, but I felt it was imperfect. I’m caught in an irony of possibilities of impossibles. There’s no end to change, there’s never a definite. Why? Because being perfect is deemed imperfect and being imperfect could be what exactly is perfect. Arguments became obsolete and the number of perceptions there could be is infinite.

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